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The Government Paid Me a Visit

Teat cups hurt like hell when hit by one, or seven.

I knew this day was coming. I did my best to hide it from you, dear readers. The government has had it in for me for decades. They tolerated my antics as a small town accountant, but now, with a blog growing in popularity, their patience has reached an end.

In the past I was given subtle warnings. Yesterday, and now this morning, the warning were not so subtle. It really isn’t that bad. They offered me the job on a regular basis in the past. The rules are simple: no more blogging; no more tax office. You work for us now.

My heart is heavy. After serious consideration I am accepting their offer. The pay is a solid six figures and all I have to do is spread misinformation getting taxpayers to overpay their taxes, thereby giving the government more control and power. For decades I have been the solution, now I have joined the problem.

Don’t hate me! They are very persuasive. Very persuasive. They sent seven dudes, I mean really big guys, to help me in my decision. They took me into the back room at my office. Even Karen, my Puerto Rican office manager, couldn’t stop them! The government guys had rubber hoses. Well, actually, they had teat cups. I included a picture so you guys know what a teat cup is. Only a farm boy can understand how much a teat cup hurts when you get hit by one.

I was dancing on my tippy-toes and squealing like a girl getting asked to the prom. It was not pretty. That six figure paycheck with a full line of benefits started looking mighty tempting after three hours of teat cup treatment. All I had to do was throw you guys under the bus. Hell, after three hours I volunteered to drive the bus. A few solid contacts from a teat cup on the back of the leg and you would modify your thinking too.

So there you have it folks. I sold my practice for a reasonable price. (The seven government goons are standing over me with teat cups ready as I write.) I work for the other side now. Disregard all the stuff I told you about reducing your taxes. It was all a lie. A good, God-fearing American is always willing to pay extra taxes to protect the freedoms we hold so dear.

The next time you see me at a conference, remember, I am a plant from the other side, there to gather information to get more money from you to the government. Never mind the steroid monster men holding teat cups by the doorway. They are there to help me do my job.

And the welts? Sure, teat cups leave serious welts, but they heal nicely. And while they are healing I have a nice reminder of the job I need to do now.

Before I leave, please check the date on this post. Have a pleasant April Fool’s Day. I knew you guys didn’t believe it once I said Karen couldn’t stop seven government goons. If that were to really happen, Karen would fuck those boys up good.

Actuary on FIRE

Monday 2nd of April 2018

Hilarious! My teats are tingling!


Sunday 1st of April 2018

Didn’t realize it was April fools day - but also did not sound like something you’d do. Couldn’t see you enjoying a government job or taking a pay cut ;)

Well played though.

Chad Burkhoder

Saturday 1st of April 2017

As always I enjoy your writing. You're a good story teller. Not that I believed you! Lol. But I did forget it was April fool's.

Keith Schroeder

Saturday 1st of April 2017

Glad I made you smile, Chad. Wanted a short post for a special day.

Gwen @ FieryMillennials

Saturday 1st of April 2017

Ahahaha hahaha. I like the shops related products at the bottom of the article. What is a teat dip cup!?!

Keith Schroeder

Saturday 1st of April 2017

LMAO! Teat dip is used after the cow is done being milked and the teat is dipped to keep bacteria out.

You guys are killing me!!!